Wednesday, September 3, 2008

They Won't Stop Dripping!

In parenthood, the title could mean many different things including different types of goo from various sources. What I am referring to in this post is snot, nose goo, nose juice or nasal sludge. Whatever you want to call it, it doesn't matter. It happens with kids and it ain't pretty. But surprisingly it becomes as commonplace as changing the rankest poopiest diaper and then asking your husband what he wants for dinner. It so doesn't bother me anymore!

Before I became a mommy, I definitely thought it was quite gross to watch other people wipe off various things from their kids' bodies without a bit of thought. Kids in general are germy, crusty little people despite our best efforts to bath and wipe them down regularly. But since the day my girls were born, it has not bothered me one bit to wipe up anything coming out of them.

Well, that is good thing. Because both girls have colds and for the past four days all I have been doing is following them around with tissues, tackling them and trying to wipe off the endless stream of gunk that is coming out of their nose. A simple sneeze has me running to the tissue box for reinforcements.

So, it got me thinking about something that years ago would have never crossed my mind...the snot brigade...all of the enemies of the goes...

1. The Racers - These are the streams of snot that pour out of both nostrils at the same time. They will send you racing for the child with a tissue in hand almost knocking the child over because they are heading in one direction and if you don't get there quick the tongue will take them out.

2. The Nose Bubble - This is the small biosphere that surfaces on a nostril and quietly resides until it can be popped away. Some clean up is required after its demise.

3. The Pulsating Nose Bubble - It is like the Nose Bubble, but with every breath, the bubble pulses in and out like a heartbeat. It is also messy to clean up and if the child sneezes or breaths in too deep, the bubble will burst before you get there causing more widespread damage.

4. The Hanging Chad - This is the strong stream of snot that is so tough it can hang in the air. It can be long or short, but it so sturdy it might take a couple of tissues and require some follow up wipes. (Watch out the tongue will try to clean this one up, too.)

5. The Inverted Hanging Chad - Like its southward facing brother, this stream of snot is pretty tough, but is stretched from the nose to the forehead.

5. The Smear - When the tissue is too late, this is what happens. It requires some overall inspection because it can go all over the face, clothing or hands. It can cause widespread damage, too, and may require a wet wipe instead of a tissue. (A secret weapon.)

6. The Relentless Fringe - The ring of crust that builds up around the nostrils is one of the hardest forces of the snot brigade to overtake. It takes a wet wipe to remove it, but within an hour it returns...

7. The Peek-a-boo Booger - This little booger (Ha!) peeks out when the child breaths or when tissue attacks, but it holds on for dear life. Wiping it away takes some diligence and may result in becoming "The Runaway" (see #9.)

8. The Bonus Prize - Sometimes the snot brigade sends in a surprise - the bonus booger! (Can be a #7 or a floating booger.) In addition to the stream of snot, a booger may surface that requires further wiping, aspirating or a shot of saline solution. (Another secret weapon.)

9. The Runaway - The snot brigade is quite stubborn, so sometimes a section will break off from the group and sticks itself to the face, hand or another part of the body. Wiping it away isn't very easy and may require more "picking" it off. Also, be forewarned, an hour later it may still be present...on you.


Helene said...

Oh.My.God. That was hilarious!!! I could not stop laughing! I totally needed a laugh today and you made my day!!!!! I think snot comes in a close 2nd for things I can't stand as a mother, with puke coming in at #1.

That would make a great read in a parenting should consider sending it in to be published!!! I'm sure lots of mothers would get a huge laugh out of it, because we can all relate to it!!!

Kim said...

Too funny! I remember those days. It will end, I promise you!

Thanks for visiting my blog! I will add yours to my daily read.